Thursday Roundup

A hearty helping of favorites and an awful lot of duds from Thursday's commenting.

Favorites, in no particular order:

I really enjoyed this unexpected dig at the Rolling Stones from Delonte, Interrupted from this morning's Wake Up Deadspin post. The reference surprises the reader, but when you go back and read the italicized text, it comes together beautifully. Nice job.

MarkKelsosMigraine had the day's very first comment, in the Wake Up Deadspin post, and it was a winner, displaying his characteristic flair for the out-of-left-field. I laughed out loud at this.

I'll admit: when I scrolled down and saw a photo of Bill Cosby in a the Wunderkind post (which referenced Temple), my heart sank. But SavetoFavorites's totally fucking hilarious Cosby impersonation was, in fact, complemented well by the photo. Sometimes, it can work!

Also in the Wunderkind post, I enjoyed this pitch-perfect pun from Raysism. From time to time, the commentariat will get a little carried away with the puns, and in general, I'm not a huge pun fan, but this was a very good example of the brand, and the crowd loved it.

Steve_U's terrific comment in the Mets Owner post is not just a wonderfully sharp, witty approach to the post, it's also an example of restraint. There are a hundred ways this joke could have been overcooked, but Steve_U followed the instinct to let the very strong angle of this joke do its own work and kept his delivery out of the way. He merely points the reader in a direction and lets them come upon the punchline themselves. Delicious. Outstanding comment.

IronMikeGallego continued his hot streak today, delivering one winner after another. I really enjoyed his razor-sharp offering in the Cadillac post - that's just a very clever comparison. In the Lombardi Grave post, his Matt Dodge/coffin corner joke was similarly witty and smart. And finally, his best comment of the day came in the Jerkoff Softball Coach post, a hilarious dig at Tim Raines. Excellent work.

Also in the Cadillac post, norbizness contributed this outstanding, elegant Ron Washington joke, earning a big ovation. Quite a few commenters made attempts at this joke, but norbizness got there first and with by far the most success. It's sharp and silly and packaged with tremendous confidence. Nice job.

Gamboa Constrictor popped in again today with this brilliant contribution to the Lombardi Grave post. Wherefor art thou, Gamboa Constrictor? Your mastery of one-liners is sorely missed, chief.

All Over But The Sharting made a similar cameo, offering this outrageous dialogue joke in the Jerkoff Softball Coach post. Goddammit. A funny thing has happened with my approach to All Over But The Sharting's jokes; there's such a specific cadence to his humor, and the set-up is so meticulous, that I've become certain of the placement of the punchline in each joke. In other words, as soon as I see his avatar, I'm waiting for a beautifully weighted punchline at the exact end of his comment. In a funny way, that expectation, which exists entirely outside the make-up of any one particular comment, lends added tension to each of his jokes. His jokes are funnier for being his jokes. Crazy, right?

Also in the Jerkoff Softball Post, I laughed at this awesome comment from Vodkanaut, who is himself master of a developed commenting voice. This comment doesn't rely on that voice, though; it's just a very funny, very clever use of capitals, both to mock the coach and for a little word-search puzzle. Great job.

This comment, from David Hume, in the Grunting Sharapova post, was probably my favorite of the day. It's just so, so clever. It's one of those comments where you read it and you mostly get it, and you think, "oh no, he didn't . . . did he just . . . wait a minute," so you read it again, and you laugh your ass off, and you read it a third time and shake your head. This is why folks love Deadspin.

And finally, from our guy dont-forget-where-you-came-from-cheese-mac, this awesome one-liner, also in the Grunting Sharapova post. I chuckled at this. He's obviously one of Deadspin's real masters at crafting one-liners. I'm also a sucker for a well-placed shot at the French. Bravo.

Total Fucking Duds

Man, there are a lot of duds today. The unstarred crowd was pretty fucking awful on Thursday. Once again, I was forced to give up on sorting out the duds from a post by Drew. The thing that annoys the shit out of me about those comments sections is the way irresponsible featured commenters predictably approve a handful of pink commenters who don't seem to grasp any part of the be funny rule (terribly convoluted and difficult to understand though it may be). Honestly, it makes me crazy. And I feel like you can start to sort out a group of featured guys who mostly just lurk around Drew posts, engaging in inane conversation threads and pooping out half-formed opinions, who almost never contribute to a non-Drew post, where legitimate joke-makers are doing the heavy lifting of the commentariat. I say thee nay!

Moving quickly now . . .

Unstarred commenter BeerbogganingGoldMedalist would like to point out that the other half of K-Ci and JoJo is, in fact, named JoJo. This reality had already been used in a very good joke by Gamboa Constrictor down-thread. Offering up an album cover as a joke is not original or creative or funny at all.

Also in the Jo-Jo Reyes post (which seemed to draw out a shit-load of bad comments), unstarred commenter CleverName chose to express his opinion of the W/L statistic in baseball. Hey, guy, make jokes. That's what we do around here.

Right below CleverName in the Jo-Jo Reyes post, unstarred commenter DaneIorgy left ye olde no-good photo joke. I can't stress this to new commenters enough (apparently): be original, be creative, be funny, make jokes. Before you get around to writing screenplays or hijacking threads or learning to post photos, spend some time making actual jokes. The vast, overwhelming majority of commenters, featured or otherwise, will not be able to make something truly funny and original with a photo comment. It's just this way. The standards of success for commenting on Deadspin are very high - learn to nail an honest-to-God joke before you move on to the higher-degree-of-difficulty stuff.

And immediately below DaneIorgy in the Jo-Jo Reyes post, unstarred commenter Brotherford B. Hayes bothered to use italics to offer a totally flat, humorless disagreement with a section of text. That's not even remotely ambitious enough. Don't be lazy - take pride in your comments.

Of course, unstarred commenters would be far less likely to drop lazy photo and video jokes if not for the incredibly brain-dead actions of otherwise solid featured commenters like Armen Tamzarian. What the fuck. The Simpsons were plenty funny. Did you write the fucking show? Then why in God's name are you offering what was funny on The Simpsons as your comment? This drives me fucking crazy. I'm literally getting hot and bothered sitting here at my desk. If I could, I would reach through my computer and slap the hand of the next person to attempt this kind of joke on Deadspin. I would wave my hand around in front of their keyboard and knock their mouse onto the floor. When they would finally relent and push away from the desk, I'd flip them the bird, over and over and over again, long into the night, in front of their friends and family until, overcome with shame and humiliation, they would jump into a river and drown.

In the Buster Posey post, unstarred commenter brian6string went on and on about blocking the plate and the path of the runner and blah blah blah blah blah. Call you insensitive? Call you a MORON. Make jokes, or so help me, I will find you and punch you in the mouth.

Also in the Buster Posey post, unstarred commenter Bs Baldwin used fewer words to express something equally useless. I'll be honest; at about this point, I was pretty ready to toss my computer through a wall. When I sit down to round-up a Roundup, goddammit, I want to celebrate good jokes and talk about why they work, and criticize bad jokes and talk about why they don't. The last thing in the whole goddamn world I want to do is write down the handle of some brain-dead fart-sniffing caveman who can't seem to process the easiest fucking rule in the history of rules: be funny. Deadspin ought to be just about the safest place in the universe for rounding up exemplars of why some jokes work and why others do not - the entire fucking premise of the comments section revolves around that one so-easy-even-a-fucking-Geico-advertising-executive-can-understand-it rule. Under no circumstances should one ever ever ever come across this, this pile-of-shit armchair sports-schmuck expertise, in a Deadspin comments section. There's ONE FUCKING RULE. You can't comprehend one rule? One rule made up of two words? One two-word rule with three syllables? Dude, get lost.

In the Mets Owner post, unstarred commenter Dan Daoust did this, causing my head to shoot up through the roof and land somewhere on Jupiter's third-largest moon. Someone please explain this to me, because I'm going to start crying any second now.

This comment, from Maymar, in the Cadillac post, is something remotely like a joke. It doesn't work because most people don't know and don't care that a Cadillac Cimarron is a piece of crap and is comparable to another piece of crap car. You're not exactly gunning for glory with a comment like this.

Jobu81 dropped the laziest possible version of the "Ron Washington used to do drugs" joke in the Cadillac post, causing me to once again wonder how and when this guy became a featured commenter. I'm not trying to beat up the guy, but I can't remember ever seeing Jobu81 contribute a worthwhile joke anywhere on Deadspin.

Unstarred commenter waitscale has an opinion of the car in the Cadillac post. Take that crap over to Jalopnik. This is Deadspin; make jokes, sonny.

Unstarred commenter Buford Justice made ye olde consolidate-the-caps joke in the Jerkoff Softball Coach post. This kind of comment fails because, very much like a photo-joke, it doesn't require much original thought by the commenter. Why would someone laugh at that? Ask yourself that question before you embark on something that is only clever, because the rule is definitely not be clever.

And finally, unstarred commenter The Norv Face had his wall-of-text softball story inexplicably promoted by alftime in the Jerkoff Softball Coach post. "Are we allowed to bitch about our co-ed softball experiences here?" NO. No you absolutely are not. That is a total fucking DUAN post, why in God's name was it promoted? I could see promoting it to make a bitchin' joke of your own, but that obviously did not happen here. This makes me crazy. I'm going to go lie in bed for a while.

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