Monday, December 31, 2012

Monday Roundup

Favorites and duds from today's commenting.

Favorites, in no particular order:

I chuckled at this Tim Tebow dig from RMJ=H in the Tree Tackling post. I'm going to guess there was  at least one dismissed reply about the names in this joke, right?

Surely this was deserving of more than one +1, from Same Sad Echo in the Jay Glazer post. I thought it was very funny.

Here's a great Idiot joke from Bring Back Anthony Mason in the Trindon Holliday post. Whether it's intended to be dumb or not, it works that way because it sort of presents a misunderstanding. Ultimately, we're laughing because Bring Back Anthony Mason is wrong in a way that is funny.

This is sort of a more classic example of an Idiot joke, from The Amazing Sneijderman in the Trindon Holliday post. It also presents a misunderstanding as the punchline, but the author is much more explicitly the butt of the joke. Good stuff.

Here's a masterful pun from pun master Eddie Murray Sparkles in the Lonesome George story. Terrific. This is your Comment of the Day.

Total Fucking Duds

See that it is the last time, jacobmrley. Do us all a favor.

Holy shit, look at these comments. Man oh man. I can't remember ever seeing so many bad comments in a single post.

That's it! Enjoy your New Year's Eve festivities, and here's to a roaring 2013.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Programming Note

Hi! So, MBA won't return this week. It's been a very busy Christmas and I'm in recovery mode and there's just no way. No way.

We'll have a full schedule of Roundups and Swinging Dicks starting Monday the 31st.

One other quick programming note, while we're here: I will not be doing Roundups on Friday, January 11th, nor on Monday, January 14th, and there will be no Swinging Dicks on the 12th. If anyone wants to jump in and write a couple of guest Roundups and a Swinging Dicks piece on those dates, shoot me an email at I will be at the world's most obnoxious conference that weekend and hating every goddamn minute.

Thanks for reading! Continue to have the best holiday season imaginable. 

Sunday, December 23, 2012

The Week in Review, etc.

As always, awards first.

Last Week's Swinging Dicks

In a tie for third place, co-winners of two bags of garbage and a crate of recyclables I forgot to take out to the curb two weekends ago: Bevraj of Choice and Madoffs Mets, with 2 Favorites in the past five days.

Here's my favorite Bevraj of Choice comment from last week. Very sharp and very funny.

And here's my favorite Madoffs Mets comment from last week. That's not very nice, buddy.

In a massive five-way clusterfuck of mediocrity tie for second place, co-winners of two more bags of garbage and a crate and a paper sack of recyclables I forgot to take out to the curb last weekend: Eddie Murray Sparkles, DougExeter, Raysism, RMJ=H, and SavetoFavorites, with 3 Favorites each in the past five days.

This is my favorite Eddie Murray Sparkles comment from last week. It's a great one-liner.

Here's my favorite DougExeter comment from last week. Another dynamite one-liner.

Here's my favorite Raysism comment from last week. Follow the RMJ=H reply thread at your own peril.

Speaking of RMJ=H, here's my favorite of his comments from last week. Terrific. This was a tough choice.

And here's my favorite SavetoFavorites comment from last week. Leave it to SavetoFavorites to squeeze something fresh out of a well-worn angle.

And alone in first place, winner of my undying affection and loyalty and also if he wants them two bags of garbage, a crate of recyclables, and two giant broken-down cardboard boxes I forgot to take out to the curb on Friday: Gamboa Constrictor, with 4 Favorites in the past five days.

Here's my favorite Gamboa Constrictor comment from last week. Idiot. +1

I expect this massive pile of garbage and recycling to be gone from the side of my home before Christmas Day or there will be hell to pay.


The Monday Comment of the Day, from Universal Enveloping Algebra.

The Tuesday Comment of the Day, from Gamboa Constrictor.

The Wednesday Comment of the Day, from gogojuice.

The Thursday Comment of the Day, from Gamboa Constrictor.

The Friday Comment of the Day, from BronzeHammer.

The Unwelcome Lesson of the Week

So, a while back a weird guy had this wild idea for a story:

Like, there's this guy, and he lives with his folks, and it's, like, it's this shitty little place. Plus his sister lives there. And like this dude's job straight sucks and his parents are totally like whatever like total losers. The sister's cool enough, and homeboy figures it's on him to send her off to school. 

Then one day he wakes up and HE'S TOTALLY LIKE THE FLY! Yeah, like he's THE. FLY. And he eats rotten garbage and crawls all over the walls and hides under furniture and all that, and it's totally gross and everyone hates him and wishes he were dead. Except the sister. She's still like chill about the whole thing. Mostly. Whatever. 

Gross, right? And like he loses his job or whatever and everyone's all freaked out and stuff and then like he terrorizes all their guests until finally he DIES. Whoa, right?

In my twelfth grade English class, there was a total bro who was more or less convinced that this was everything there is to The Metamorphosis. To him, it was just some dude's gnarly horror story about gross bugs, only it was stupid and didn't have enough guns or tits. And an astonishing conversation took hold over the course of days and days as more and more bros and bro-ettes went over to the dark side: maybe he's right? Maybe Franz Kafka was just a lousy horror writer and this story is about nothing more than some gross shit happening and everyone's all scared and then it kinda peters out and that's it. And the point poor, soft-spoken, desperately overmatched Mr. Hummel tried in vain to make was this: why does that matter? Why should that make the remotest difference to how we read and interpret the novel? Hopeless. After two days of more-or-less non-stop debate, the class decided there was no metaphor, no symbolism, nothing to interpret or understand. The Metamorphosis was Pumpkinhead only without the gore and tits. To me this was madness, but then, I think I'm the only person from that class who is not now a wealthy, successful, productive citizen.

The question is this: does it matter? Is The Metamorphosis less important if it wasn't intended as allegory? Does the content lose its relevance? What if we don't know? What if we can't know?

I bring this up because we had a great conversation about gogojuice's Comment of the Day from Wednesday, about why it was different from other, similar jokes, and whether those differences were intended or incidental. Nobody was wrong in this discussion, but it's worth considering: if the joke makes you laugh for one reason or another, should it matter whether the author of the joke knowingly created that angle? That's positioned as a yes or no question, but there's certainly plenty of room for discussion.

I'm sure we've all done the thing where we craft a joke and laugh at it and make it or post it and know it's funny but aren't totally sure why or how it functions until later. This is important to remember because I've often made the point that laughter is the result of a process and that jokes are a mechanism. In other words, when you know the joke is funny before you know why, that's because the mechanism is working on your sense of humor without your permission. Did gogojuice know why his joke was funnier than other, similar jokes? Maybe not. But he likely thought it was pretty funny, and the important part is this: he was right. It is funny. I know because I laughed.

Merry Christmas, Deadspin commenters. And a wonderful, wonderful 2013. Rock on.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Friday Roundup

Favorites and duds from the last day of human history.

Favorites, in no particular order:

Here's a rather dark joke in the Daily Screencap post from Raysism. This stuff doesn't always work. If the joke relies too heavily upon the oof of the reference, it will not usually draw a laugh. The reference needs to be dressed up with creativity, and that's what Raysism did here.

SavetoFavorites dropped this excellent Craig Sager joke in the Daily Screencap post. We talked before about comments that have something to say about the content of a post, but it's important to point out that there are some posts that aren't themselves saying anything. These posts practically beg to be taken apart for random joke fodder, and this is one of those posts.

Here's today's Comment of the Day, from BronzeHammer in the Amare Stoudemire post. Frankly, the line [bounds down stairs] is, alone, worth the award. The whole joke is great, with the whole The Gift of the Magi thing going on, but what a firecracker of a finish. Terrific.

And finally, here's a wonderful Bobcats dig from Gamboa Constrictor in the Amare Stoudemire post. So good. Jokes that poke fun at the incompetency of Michael Jordan's Bobcats are always welcome here. I laughed aloud at this joke.

Total Fucking Duds

One dud tonight. I mean, there were dozens of duds, but I'm only including this one. I'm not too sure what the fuck's going on in this comment, from Don_Jeter in the Kris Humphries post, but it's dreadful. No part of it works for me. Not the photo, not the stupid tequila snobbery - look at me ah know mah tequiler!1! - and especially not the generalization at the end. Just thick-skulled and desperately boring. I miss the good old days when this kind of crap, and the incredibly uninteresting conversation that followed, would have been stuck in grey land. Ah well.

Hey, assholes, no starting the weekend early! Too busy buying Christmas gifts for all your imaginary friends to drop jokes on a sports blog? You shitty punks need to get your priorities in order.

Hey, have an especially enjoyable weekend. I can't promise I'll have Roundups for Monday or Tuesday, but we'll definitely be back at it next week.

Thanks for reading, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, etc. You guys are great.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Thursday Roundup

Favorites and duds from today's commenting.

Favorites, in no particular order:

Here's a nice dig at Houstonians from The Amazing Sneijderman in the Reliant Stadium post. I have no real reason to suspect that this is a fair characterization of Houstonians, but I think the joke is funny because it aligns with a common stereotype. It's almost funnier if it's not rooted in truth, if it's just the mean-spirited use of this popular misconception. I can't explain it, but I like it.

Here's a nice spin on the horse=glue theme from SavetoFavorites in the Painting Racehorse post. There's still quite a lot of juice in this angle, but as we'll see, that doesn't mean you can just throw it out there. Also, here's a funny dig at The World Wide Leader in the ESPN Drones post.

There are a one or two really funny entries in this thread, from the Painting Racehorse post, featuring PexsPodiatryst, SavetoFavorites, cobra, brah!, Danelorgy, The Amazing Sneijderman, Cianfrocco's Modern Life, econdave, ScottMitchellReport, and others. It's worth checking out.

DougExeter earned a round of applause with this excellent offering in the Suzy Favor Hamilton post. Jesus, just look at that goddamn reply. Unreal. Later, he also dropped this awesome one-liner in the ESPN Drones post. That's a fantastic joke. Nice work today.

This is just a desperately stupid Idiot joke from Gamboa Constrictor in the Suzy Favor Hamilton post. The setup is totally over the top, but that's sort of what makes it so fun. Not everyone can get away with this shit, I'll admit. This joke from a burner would be met with a chorus of crickets and a passing tumbleweed. It's not as unfair as it might seem, though. We've become familiar with this commenter's voice and we know what he's going for, and we're therefore more easily able to connect with the humor in the joke. And, on a day that was light on humdingers, this a-here joke is your Comment of the Day.

Total Fucking Duds

Random bonehead NotoriousD.G.S. went back to the fetid well of Sarah Jessica Parker jokes in the Painting Racehorse post, to no one's surprise or enjoyment. You stink, pal.

Possible jackass V8-bit has seen a movie once, and took the time in the Painting Racehorse post to let everyone know about it. Thanks!

Consider this sad-trombone offering from ScottMitchellReport in the Painting Racehorse post against the SavetoFavorites joke above. Both jokes take the horse=glue angle, but one employs subtlety . . . no, one turns on subtlety, whereas the other one features a picture of a bottle of glue. This is a well-worn angle, you really can't be clumsy when you use it.

Aaaaaaaand here comes the migraine.

Hey, whaddya say. Have a great night. Shalt thou DUAN?

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Wednesday Roundup

Favorites and duds from Wednesday's commenting.

Favorites, in no particular order:

I laughed at this Jared Allen joke from RMJ=H in the Christian Ponder post. The reference is a misdirection set-up. Jared Allen is a good target for caricaturization, but the Vikings connection to Ponder really isn't enough, alone, to justify going there. So? Work in a funny reference point that gets us there. Nice work.

Here's a funny one-liner from Kid Canada in the 7-Year-Old Tap Out post. Yes, it's evil, but it's damn funny, too. I'm a little surprised this one didn't get a bit more attention.

This scene from Same Sad Echo in the Kenneth Faried post just killed me. The whole thing is fantastic, but it's a testament to the stupidity of my sense of humor that I was already laughing by the time I read the words "Towel Heaven". That's really fucking funny. Here's a late +1.

Here's a solid thread in the Gregg Zaun post featuring The Sock of Ages, TheCarlosRuizSpanishEnglishDictionary, Pink Slime, Rare Endangered Vuvuzela, ScottMitchellReport, J. Henry Waugh, and others. There are a handful of surprisingly funny entries in there.

This comment from Mantis Toboggan, M.D. in the FJM Oral History post is a riot. It's a very funny, fairly accurate take on Fire Joe Morgan's style with a surprise ending. Really great.

I don't know, guys. I think this might be the Comment of the Day, from a burner called gogojuice in the Original Basketball Rules post. That's really goddamn funny. Yes. Yes. It is the Comment of the Day. A burner.

Total Fucking Duds


This is possibly the worst comment found on Deadspin all week, from LOUD-NOISES in the Kenneth Faried post. That is just fucking brutal. There's nothing right about this. LOUD-NOISES is an atrocious commenter, one of the very worst.

I hate this stuff so much. SO MUCH. You can't possibly expect that anyone gives a shit how you feel about baseball. It's not your fucking diary, dip-shit. God almighty.

DEADSPIN POLL: Is "douche bag" the best insult EVER or [gunshot]

Shoot me.

No really. Just do it.

Fine. I'll do it myself.

That's it! I can't stand any more! Just kidding, you guys are great.

Let's have a wonderful DUAN.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Tuesday Roundup

Favorites and duds from today's commenting.

Favorites, in no particular order:

Here's a funny thread in the Jim Boeheim post featuring Same Sad Echo, Raysism, Gamboa Constrictor, Universal Enveloping Algebra, The Amazing Sneijderman, ScottMitchellReport, and others. Several funny entries in there.

I enjoyed this funny, unexpected Laurie Fine joke in the Jim Boeheim post from Bevraj of Choice. I like this. Essentially this is a one-liner. I like to think about the different versions of this joke that ran through the author's mind before he settled on this particular version, featuring a one-word premise and the rest of the joke presented as a question. I would be a mess trying to hit on the best version of this joke, and maybe Bevraj of Choice was too, but it can't be a coincidence that certain commenters always find the best version.

Here's an idiot joke that just yanks the laugh right out of you, from Gamboa Constrictor in the Cow Truck Rollover post. It's funny enough, actually, without the all-caps and the exclamation points, but those touches definitely put it over the top. It goes from a lukewarm punchline to an idiot joke, and it's just funnier that way. Later, Gamboa dropped today's Comment of the Day with this painful dig in the Mark Sanchez post. Oof. COTY!1!

There are a couple of winning entries in this thread from the Cow Truck Rollover post, featuring LionelHutz, Danelorgy, Classic example of our failed educational system, ClawedLemieux, and others. Worth checking out.

Here's a kick-ass one-liner from Raysism in the Cow Truck Rollover post. Excellent pull, minimal set-up. Good stuff. Also, the success of this troll-bait comment in the 4Chan Winners post is absolutely mind-boggling. Instead of attracting a bunch of angry idiot burners, Raysism got in-kind replies from the usual suspects, and the angry idiot burners came to his defense! Unbelievable. I'm grinding my teeth about the replies, but I can't deny how hilarious the whole discussion is.

Here's a funny dialogue joke from Madoffs Mets in the Jets Quarterback Change post. This joke has a nice abrupt finish that accentuates the awkwardness of the scene. Nice job.

Ah, here's a very funny lesson from Eddie Murray Sparkles in the Packers Fan Photobomb post. I know I keep coming back to this, but the guys who do this well have a special talent. The punchline does not require the line about yelling "fire" in a theater, but the addition of it ensures the audience will read the "cheese" line as common sense. On top of helping the rhythm of the joke and giving it a certain personality, it also causes the reader to sort of mentally thumb through our common-sense brain-bank, if even for a millionth of a second. If the joke said "you just don't yell "cheese" at Lambeau", it's too straightforward and has less than half as much to say about Green Bay fans. Terrific joke.

In that same post, I laughed at this dig from Theodore Donald Kerabatsos. It relies on the picture without too overtly making its point, and the conversational tone is wonderful. You'd expect nothing less.

This is so stupid, from DougExeter in the Raanan Katz post. Stupid and funny. Or, anyway, I chuckled at it. Sue me.

Total Fucking Duds

This fucking guy. There's just no way Lamont Sanford, III thinks of himself as a good commenter, right? I mean, at best he's a troll. No one is as consistently annoying as this shit-for-brains jackass. I groan as soon as I see his name atop any comment, and he never disappoints.

Fresh! Funny! Take a bow, MikeVsays.

Oh wait. Talk about low-hanging fruit.

What in God's name is this thing, from EnduroDoug in the 4Chan Winners post. What . . . what the fuck. Jesus fucking Christ.

While we're talking about dreadful, dreadful commenters, here's . . . God this is depressing. Fuck.

That's it for tonight, you clever, clever men. Have a great one.


Monday Roundup

Favorites and duds from today's commenting.

Favorites, in no particular order:

Here's a bizarre sequence from SavetoFavorites in the Daily Screencap post. There's a madcap beauty to this thing that is just irresistible.

This comment, from Bevraj of Choice in the Daily Screencap post, is so clever. It's not even right to call it a pull - it's just a smart, funny guy manufacturing a wonderful joke.

Here's Universal Enveloping Algebra apparently winning the internet with a kick-ass gag in the DeMarco Murray post. It's a pitch-perfect one-liner. Great job. This is Monday's Comment of the Day.

Speaking of dynamite one-liners, here's a humdinger from Eddie Murray Sparkles in the Colin Kaepernick post. Of course. Later, I laughed aloud at this Anthony Davis joke in the NBA Sketch Cards post. That's really terrific.

What, is today the day of the one-liner? Check out this fucking brilliant shot from RMJ=H in the T-Shirt Cape post. That's so good. Later, RMJ=H fired off this outstanding joke in the 10 Sports GIFs post, earning a huge round of applause. Now there's an amazing pull.

How about another one-liner, this time from Madoffs Mets in the Peter King post. This one's a bit on the sinister side, and I loved it.

Total Fucking Duds

Here's an old-fashioned DOA movie reference from CoastDCoast in the T-Shirt Cape post. Yes, there is a movie where a rug is micturated upon (nailed it). Yes, that movie is funny. No, it is not funny that you have seen that movie. Ass.

Have the loveliest of all nights.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

The Week in Review, Now With Whatnot!

Awards first, then some bullshit.

Last Week's Swinging Dicks

In third place, winner of a hundred pounds of dried fallen leaves I spent 90 minutes moving across my lawn with a shiny new Ryobi 4-Cycle 155 mph 400 CFM gas-powered leaf-blower three weeks ago: The Amazing Sneijderman, with 4 Favorites in the past five days.

This a-here is my favorite The Amazing Sneijderman joke from last week. Good stuff.

In second place, winner of two hundred pounds of dried fallen leaves I spent 120 minutes moving across my lawn with a somewhat less shiny Ryobi 4-Cycle 155 mph 400 CFM gas-powered leaf-blower two weeks ago: Same Sad Echo, with 6 Favorites in the past five days.

And here's my favorite Same Sad Echo joke from last week. COTY!1!

And in first place, winner of 10,000 pounds of dried fallen leaves I spent my entire life moving across my lawn with a fucking pile of shit Ryobi 4-Cycle 155 mph 400 CFM gas-powered leaf-blower last week: Raysism, with 7 Favorites in the past five days. You will now drive immediately to my home and pick up your prize or so help me I will cram this leaf-blower up your ass.

This is my favorite Raysism joke from last week. DEADSPIN HALL OF FAME!!1ELEVEN

Congratulations, folks. Some people work their whole lives for a pile of dried leaves.

Bonus Jokes!

The Monday Comment of the Day, from Madoffs Mets.

The Tuesday Comment of the Day, from Steve U.

The Wednesday Comment of the Day, from Poignant Theater.

The Thursday Comment of the Day, from Same Sad Echo.

The Friday Comment of the Day, from Mantis Toboggan, M.D.

The Unwelcome Lesson of the Week

It's important to dismiss.

I'm going to be honest here: when I look at Deadspin comments, I generally only look at the top ten or so. Why? Because, with few exceptions, the best jokes are being made by a bunch of recognizable handles, and those handles always show up at the top of the page. When I do get down to the lower half or two-thirds, it's with soft eyes. There's very little of value down there.

It's true!

By whatever magic or manipulation, the good commenters are at the top, and there are three ways a burner or stranger can get in: they can make a kick-ass joke and hope to get noticed (as if); they can start an earnest, excruciatingly boring conversation with other bonehead burners and strangers and overwhelm the algorithm; they can reply to the good stuff.

With all of Kinja's stupidity, we actually have almost total control over those efforts. Okay, well, hold on, so there's really not much we can do about the boring discussions and arguments. Those were around before Kinja and they're still around and they aren't going anywhere ever. We have some control over the jokes, which is nice. We can go down there and lift their jokes from the muck if we're so inclined. It's a long way from perfect, but we can exert influence.

And that brings us to replies. By far the easiest way for new commenters and trolls and idiots and burners and ringers to get into the top half, to step into the light, to climb, Evil Marion Cotillard-like, from the abyss, is to reply to your jokes. When they do so by joining in a thread or giving a +1 or offering some sort of thoughtful, articulate contribution, hey! Great! Pull up a chair and hang out for a while! When strangers do what we do, they deserve to be in the light.

When they reply to your jokes with a -1 or I don't understand or too soon or dude your gay ROFL, fucking dismiss it. Why? Because you have control over the content. You're in charge of the door, and you decide who gets in.

We all hate Kinja. The lack of an approval system is maddening. None of us want to let Denton off the hook for screwing up our fun little playground. It's easy to think that leaving the trash out in plain view forces the powers that be to acknowledge their screw-up. The sad news, though, is that nobody up there thinks it's a screw up, and none of the burner idiot strangers do either. The only people who hate Kinja and miss the former system are the regulars, and we're the only people who are hurt by the bad behavior of the burner idiot strangers and are offended by the site of their execrable commentary.

You have control over the door. It's seems obvious enough that you wouldn't want to let a troll in. You feel bad for the little pig who built his house out of straw because the wolf blows the fucking thing down, not because the pig opened the door and let the goddamn carnivore waltz right in. Know what I mean?

Have a tip-top weekend, and seriously, come get these fucking leaves off my lawn.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Friday Roundup

Favorites and duds from today's commenting.

Favorites, in no particular order:

Check out this humdinger from Mantis Toboggan, M.D. in the BYU post. Now there's a goddamn winner. For your teeth-grinding pleasure, have a look at the unbelievably stupid burner reply among the +1s. Holy smokes. There are one or two funny replies to that reply, too, if you're feeling especially curious. Back to the joke: here's another +1 to Mantis Toboggan, M.D. for showing once again that some of our most heavily worn memes can still be used for kick-ass jokes. This here is the Comment of the Day.

I don't know how SavetoFavorites so consistently churns out these spectacularly funny scenes, but it's really incredible. This one, in the Jovan Belcher post, just slayed me. I'm running out of ways to heap praise on this stuff, so I'll just say this: please just don't ever stop.

Here's another great sequence, this time from The Amazing Sneijderman in the Jovan Belcher post. Like the sequence above, this joke uses the screenplay format, but it's interesting to me how different the two jokes are, and not just in terms of their angles. Whereas the joke above relies upon a lot of personality and silliness, this joke uses the format to patiently set up a good old fashioned punchline. Neither joke can be made without actions and sequencing and timing, but they use those tools for completely different purposes. These joke types, ultimately they're just templates, and they can be used to express whatever wild-ass crazy angles you want, and they can certainly be used to either satisfy or defy the reader's expectations. The Amazing Sneijderman's somewhat familar set-up/knockdown rhythm needed a little more space to play than is offered in your typical one-liner, and he had the instincts and confidence to give it the right structure.

I'm not sure where this line came from, from Billy Clyde Puckett in the Jovan Belcher post, but it's so, so good. It's not really a joke at all, it's just a very smart, very funny line. Good stuff.

This is just an outrageous set-up from Same Sad Echo in the Real Lakers post. If you drew this joke as a story arc, it would feature a fairly steep incline and then an immediate vertical drop, like a rollercoaster for people who love rollercoasters. And what do people who love rollercoasters do when there's an immediate vertical drop? They cheer and laugh their asses off. Okay, I'll shut up now.

Here's a smart, funny rimshot joke from UweBollocks in the Real Lakers post. I'm calling it a rimshot joke because it is exactly the kind of joke that is followed by a rimshot. Right? C'mon, right? You know what I mean.

Here's an excellent thread in the Underwear Ghosts post, featuring Eddie Murray Sparkles, Gamboa Constrictor, Same Sad Echo, SavetoFavorites, Bring Back Anthony Mason, Mantis Toboggan, M.D., Danelorgy, ScottMitchellReport, and many more. Worth a read!

I enjoyed this strong one-liner from Sgt. Hammerclaw in the Rutgers Basketball post. A very good pull with an effective delivery. Excellent joke.

And finally, because I'm a big dummy and/or Kinja hates me and/or Kinja hates everyone, I missed this killer joke from Raysism yesterday in the Ryan Brothers Retrospective post. That's a goddamn masterpiece. +1.

Total Fucking Duds

To hell with duds. For crying out loud.

Thanks for another great week, folks. Grab up and hug the stuffing out of all the wonderful small children in your lives, and have a great weekend.

Have a DUAN night.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Thursday Roundup

Favorites and duds from today's commenting.

Favorites, in no particular order:

Here's a fantastic comment from Bevraj of Choice in the Kris Humphries post. The moment you read the words "Dear Kim" at the top of this comment, you have a sense of where it's going, and the fun, from there, is in the details. I can't wait until Bevraj of Choice moves back to the real part of the world so he can spend all day posting comments on a sports blog like a grownup.

This joke, from BronzeHammer in the Kris Humphries post, is wonderful. It's possible I like this stuff much more than most Deadspin commenters. This is the sort of one-of-a-kind humor that I look forward to reading on Deadspin. I like a good pull as much as the next guy, but the off-the-wall stuff, the totally unique angles that show up from time to time, it's those jokes that keep me coming back. Way back when, years and years ago when I first made a commenting account and well before I got up the courage to really use it much, I would just marvel at the bizarre and obscure and abstract and totally hilarious exchanges and threads that would develop between the funniest commenters. In the years since, I'm happy to say it seems like Deadspin's commenters have gotten stranger and less predictable and more creative. None of that is meant to suggest that BronzeHammer's joke is irrelevant to the post (not that there would be anything wrong with that). On the contrary. The disastrous marriage to Kim Kardashian will always be a large part of what we remember about Kris Humphries, and this joke makes good use of that fact. But it doesn't settle for a reference, nor does it simply preempt other Kim Kardashian jokes. It takes a new angle, giving the joke personality and action. I love it. Great comment.

I laughed aloud at this joke from Raysism in the Maurice Clarett post. The component pieces in this joke are mostly just an excuse for the "and begins tossing _________'s salad" line. I mean, it's funnier for being Lenny Dykstra and Jim Cramer, but this joke revolves around that surprise, the unexpected incorporation of some genuinely yucky imagery. And? It's great. I also chuckled at this Greg Oden dick joke in the Sam Bowie post. Everyone knew where this one was going, but it's well-executed, and that makes all the difference.

Here's RMJ=H's best joke of the day, in the Maurice Clarett post. It has originality, it has elegance, it has a terrific sense of humor, it is fresh and wonderful and I like it. What it doesn't have, however, is 86 +1s. Eighty-six. This joke, in the Bode Miller post, this Left Eye joke, this version of a joke we've seen probably two or three times on Deadspin, this is the one that got almost a hundred +1s. It's a fine joke. I chuckled at it. Specifically, I read it, chuckled, said "ouch" and moved on. I would bet every penny to my name that RMJ=H agrees that it's not remotely the best or funniest joke he's dropped this week, probably not even in his top five. I'm not saying it's unworthy of every +1 it got: every person who gave it a +1 liked it, and it is very much the kind of joke that appeals to a broad audience. It's a good comment. But it's not the Comment of the Day, by virtue of the fact that it is not the funniest joke from today. Also, here's a funny Idiot joke in the Pantomimed Double Blowjob post. RMJ=H had quite the day today.

Here's a funny thread in the Pantomimed Double Blowjob post, featuring Madoffs Mets, Danelorgy, SavetoFavorites, ScottMitchellReport, onlyASK, and others. Couple of really funny entries in there.

I don't know how a person could not laugh at this ridiculous sequence from SavetoFavorites in the Bode Miller post. It's just so silly and fun. Funny from start to finish.

Here's a hysterical recontextualization from Same Sad Echo in the Bode Miller post. It would be easy enough to make this comment with a line like "friends and family were impressed with Dick Clark's optimism to the very end", but it's just nowhere near as funny as exposing the reference in a personal sentiment prompted by the italicized line. I'm still marveling at the instincts of Deadspin's joke-makers. I'm making this joke today's Comment of the Day. Also, there goes the last of my credibility.

Here's a one-line zinger from Gamboa Constrictor in the Josh Brent post. Sharp, funny, succinct, successful. Good stuff.

Body by Bacardi showed up today with this very strong Mets dig in the Torii Hunter post. So smart. Stick around, will ya?

Total Fucking Duds

Yeah, I'm not doing duds tonight.

You guys are the best. Nighty-night.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Wednesday Roundup

Favorites and duds from today's commenting.

Favorites, in no particular order:

Here's Same Sad Echo being a silly-goose, as is his wont, in the Doomed Wizards post. Contrary to certain suggestions, I love this stuff. On that note, please refrain from mentioning this blog away from DUAN. It's inside-baseball and gives MBA a presence on Deadspin that is counter to its intentions. Also, awesome comment. Later, Same Sad Echo contributed this winner in the 100 Concussions post. This is very nearly an "Idiot" joke. In fact, I think that's sort of how I read it and why I liked it. And even later, I enjoyed this straightforward dig at Villanova in the Flipping the Bird post. Good work.

This is a wonderful little sequence from Sponsored by V8 in the Doomed Wizards post. It's a very funny joke and it makes use of a dead-true observation about Emeka Okafor. Hilarious. 

Poignant Theater dropped today's Comment of the Day in the 100 Concussions post. That's just a perfect joke. I laughed aloud when I first read it. And, of course, a burner dropped a COTY!1! in there. Gah. This is a losing battle. The COTY!1! nominations will likely never stop. Nevermind, there's an even worse reply among all the +1s. Just look at that shit. I do wish Deadspin commenters would dismiss. You sort of lose the credibility to bitch about the loss of the approval/promotion system if you don't use the tools you have to exert control over the comments. Dismiss, God damn it.

Here's an excellent one-liner from our guy Raysism in the 100 Concussions post. This joke will not do well with the Jezebel crowd. Yowza.

Here's something hysterical from Lionel Osbourne in the Tommy Tuberville post. Oof. It's funny enough even before the final line, but that line really does add something to the joke. Nice work.

Mantis Toboggan, M.D. dropped this humdinger in the 107-2 post. I love this comment. It's just bursting with talent and personality and good humor. I know dialogue and sequence jokes are sort of taking over the place, but the truth is you can't work this kind of creativity into a one-liner, not without some seriously tortured structure.

Finally, for whatever reason, I laughed and laughed at this goofy offering from Dave Algonquin (WWTD?) in the 107-2 post. Well, okay, for the very obvious reason that it's funny. Still, I can't exactly pin down why it's as funny as it is. I'm glad to see others enjoyed it as much as I did. Great joke.

Total Fucking Duds

Just what the fuck are you babbling on about, drfooser? This is one incredibly stupid comment, the kind of thing that makes the lack of an approval system so frustrating I start to hyperventilate. So completely stupid and flimsy and not even worth rebutting, even for other burners. You've got to work hard to be beneath the attention of other burners. Seriously.

Hey, that's it for today. Have a great one.

Goooooooooooo DUAN!

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Tuesday Roundup

Favorites and duds from today's commenting.

Before we get to that stuff, a quick note:

I seem to have opened a wound with the line about being funny while also offering commentary on the subject of the post, and I regret it. I really do admire comments that are both funny and relevant to the subject, but overwhelmingly my favorite jokes have been the ridiculous non-sequiturs. I like what is funny, and prefer what is creative and original and funny to what is smart and relevant and sort of humorous. I think I was trying to speak on behalf of Deadspin, trying to make the point that a comment section is generally a space where people comment on the content of a post; that, in a perfect world, comments would be relevant to the content of a post and also be every bit as funny as the funniest jokes are now. That's a totally unrealistic standard, and in the real world I'd much rather see one devastating non-sequitur after another than a run of relevant comments with less punch and creativity.

Make jokes! Great jokes! Don't feel remotely bad about taking the content of a post out into the field and bringing it back totally repurposed. I will always have a special kind of respect for great jokes that also reflect upon the post, but I will also be doubled-over with laughter upon reading the next great Toy-Luke-Skywalker-fondling-Toy-Leia-with-C3PO's-head joke. There is more than enough room for both, plus every other kind of crazy-ass off-the-wall humor-experiment out there.

I think those in the comments yesterday who took up the argument on behalf of relevant commentary are simply suggesting that people look for angles that comment on the post in addition to looking for angles that provide the strongest punchline, and there's nothing wrong with that. I would suggest that commenters still favor the strongest punchline, but anyway, it would be an interesting exercise, first seeing if you have anything to say about the post and whether there's a unique, creative, funny way of saying it before taking the content afield. Either way, seriously, submit your best stuff as always and put a premium on making everyone laugh.

Now, on to the good stuff.

Favorites, in no particular order:

Here's a very funny characterization of The Sporting News's readership from Lionel Osbourne in the Sporting News post. I suppose I should mention that there was a time when I pretty religiously read The Sporting News. Yes, I'm ashamed.

Also in that post, here's a very funny, very awkward personal moment from Raysism. I have a special love for jokes that turn the author into the punchline. It takes something that could be mean-spirited if pointed outward and turns it into something vulnerable and excruciating and a lot funnier.

And here's a great wordplay gag from Bring Back Anthony Mason in the Sporting News post. It would be easy enough to say that only Lionel Osbourne's joke actually comments on the subject of the post, but lets take a closer look: Lionel Osbourne's joke makes an observation about the audience of The Sporting News; Raysism's joke takes advantage of the popular perception that The Sporting News is an outdated publication; and Bring Back Anthony Mason's one-liner makes use of the particulars of another story about the same publication. In their own unique way, each joke is relevant to the post. Even when it seems like a joke is doing its own thing, most jokes actually do have something to say about the post. I'll try to remember this next time I start to type up a lazy, overly broad characterization of Deadspin's comments. Later, here's another sharp one-liner from Bring Back Anthony Mason in the Paul Tagliabue post, this one packaged as a question. Good stuff.

I really enjoyed this kick-ass Dwight Gooden joke from The Amazing Sneijderman in the R.A. Dickey post. This is a joke that does wander afield, and look at the huge round of applause! Why? Because it's hilarious, that's why. Being hilarious is more important than being relevant. Also today, I enjoyed this shot at Mark Sanchez in the Braylon Edwards post.

And now, some fat jokes. Here's Steve U with an absolute killer of a fat joke in the Josh Brent post. Are fat jokes cruel? Yeah, probably. This is a hysterical one-liner. If I have to feel bad about laughing at it, so be it. It is hysterical. It is. And it's your Comment of the Day.

Here's another fat joke in the same post from Mantis Toboggan, M.D. That is just fucking deadly. What a good time this post was. This joke could not be funnier. Here's one more +1.

This is not a fat joke, but it is laugh-out-loud funny, from Theodore Donald Kerabatsos in the same post. Just terrific. The idea here is just so, so good.

I laughed at this sequence from Madoffs Mets in the same post. I really in particular enjoyed the abrupt ending here. Nice work.

I chuckled at this bird joke from Crosby's Neurologist in the Windows post. It took me a minute to catch on here, and it was worth it. Good job.

Here's a whale of a one-liner from a burner called AfterBurnerA in the Failed Tiki Chat post. It's just an excellent dig delivered beautifully. Stick around, guy!

And here's a great pun from Sgt. Hammerclaw in the Tear Gas post. It's funny and goofy and has a nice, easy delivery.

Total Fucking Duds

Here's a brain-dead too-sooner in the Josh Brent post from some asshole called RichieG.. This one comment wiped out my energy for duds. That's all I've got.

Hey, see you in DUAN. Keep on keepin' on.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Monday Roundup

Favorites and duds from today's commenting.

Favorites, in no particular order:

Here's a tricky, somewhat obscure one-liner from fatleaveher in the Daily Screencap post. Perhaps I'm alone here, but I had to do some research on this one. More research, in fact, than I would normally accept in a Favorite. But it's a funny enough reference and it looks like many people got it without as much effort. I won't penalize the joke for me being a moron.

I enjoyed this funny Serge Ibaka joke in the Stephen Jackson post from The Amazing Sneijderman. It's just a clever little sequence written without a lot of painful set-up. Nice job.

StuartScottsEye earned a handful of +1s for this smart wordplay joke in the Air Guitar post. This is essentially a one-liner, with a quick premise and a knockdown punchline at the very end, all revolving around a sharp pun. Good stuff.

And here's a simple Tim Tebow dig from Madoffs Mets, also in the Air Guitar post. See how the one-liner format works? Premise and set-up, knockdown punchline, turns on a bit of wordplay. Everyone on Deadspin does this all the time, and the baseline for success is putting the joke in the correct order. If this joke goes Tim Tebow makes a good pretend backup if this guy's looking to start a band, it loses some of its punch. Because the format doesn't give a lot of room to play around, the rest of the success of the joke will be determined by the strength of the pull. One-liners are for confident joke-makers and the whole idea is that they're not as easy as they seem. Here's another one, even more efficient, with an even stronger pull, in the Clippers Bench post. We've often talked about the strength of the reference determining the length of the joke, and this is a good example. When your punchline is this strong, stay out of its way. Great joke. This is your Comment of the Day.

Here's an excellent thread in the Clippers Bench post, featuring onlyASK, Sgt. Hammerclaw, SavetoFavorites, Pink Slime, JamesDolansRemedialMath, fatleaveher, RexsPodiatryst, Post ApocalypticRecSpecs, The Amazing Sneijderman, and many more. Also, sweet molasses, look at that fucking reply from Nietzschiro. Holy fucking shit. "This is fun!" /facepalm

SavetoFavorites recast The Wire for this dialogue joke in the Cam Cameron post, earning a round of applause. I have no idea where this joke came from, but it's funny enough. Good stuff.

This is a great comment from All Over But The Sharting in the ESPN Disavowal post. On top of being funny and well-made, it's actual commentary. Whereas puns and recontextualizations and screenplays don't always necessarily have something to say about a post, this joke actually pokes fun at the absurdity of ESPN's Tim Tebow coverage. Stuff like this happens often enough on Deadspin, but there are definitely times when commenters are mostly just raking posts for content that can be used in a joke instead of offering actual commentary. The be funny mandate is best expressed when it is used in the service of actually commenting on the subject of the post.

Here's a terrific recontextualization from Eddie Murray Sparkles in the Greg Hardy vs. Matt Bryant post. That's such an excellent goddamn pull. I needed a minute with it, but sometimes that's the best part.

This is the funniest thing you will read today, from Same Sad Echo in the Dadspin Christmas Shopping post. Holy shit. That is seriously fucking hysterical.

I really enjoyed this sharp, tight, outstanding one-liner from Raysism in the Manny Pacquiao post. So good.

And finally, here's a strong effort from a burner called chris.j.p in the Chicago Bar Stabbing post. You know what we say to funny burners: get a real account, will ya?

Total Fucking Duds

Here's something desperately stupid and boorish from a brain-dead teenager called SantiCazorla in the Stephen Jackson post. God I hate this crap. This would never have made it though the approval system pre-Kinja.

This boring, totally unoriginal one-liner from an idiot called ShaneMorris in the JaVale McGee post was actually referred to as "Brilliant" by some fucking burner moron. Unbelievable. What a lame, paper-thin joke. Boo.

This is an incredibly cheap movie reference from Billy Clyde Puckett in the Cam Cameron post. Just so, so flimsy. The entire punchline of this joke is "there was a guy in a movie named Cameron." It's pathetic. And look at that! Thank God there are burners to give a +1 to every bullshit kindergarten joke. Jesus.

And finally, here's a disastrously bad commenter named kittensarecute. This is a Gawker commenter who has strayed over to Deadspin from time to time. This person has no ability to say anything funny or original or thoughtful. At best, kittensarecute is trolling, but either way he's nasty and ignorant and offensive. Boy do I miss the ninjas. There has got to be a mechanism for getting rid of this kind of stuff.

Thanks for reading. Let's have a good old-fashioned DUAN, eh?

Saturday, December 8, 2012

The Week in Review, Plus Things

Awards now, and later, some babbling. What could be better?

Last Week's Swinging Dicks

In a tie for Third Place, co-winners of the anchors I forgot to use when installing a towel-rod in my bathroom: Steve U and Bronze Hammer, with 6 Favorites in the past five days.

This is my favorite Steve U joke from last week. As a commenter pointed out on Thursday, it's all about the juxtaposition.

Here's my favorite BronzeHammer joke from last week. So full of charm and personality.

In Second Place, winner of two small piles of drywall dust that accumulated while drilling what ought to have been anchored holes for a towel-rod in my bathroom: Raysism, with 7 Favorites in the past five days.

And here's my favorite Raysism joke from last week. Who doesn't love a good caption joke? Nobody, that's who.

And in First Place, exclusive winner of the actual towel-rod that easily tore away from the wall the first time someone yanked a towel from it: SavetoFavorites, with 8 Favorites in the past five days. Take a bow!

Here's my favorite SavetoFavorites joke from last week. This is one of several moonshot homeruns from SavetoFavorites this week. It's an incredible joke, and it just nosed out the absurd sequence from Friday in the Misfit Knicks post.

Don't Forget These!

The Monday Comment of the Day, from SavetoFavorites.

The Tuesday Comment of the Day, from Steve U. 

The Wednesday Comment of the Day, from RMJ=H.

The Thursday Comment of the Day, from Lionel Osbourne.

The Friday Comment of the Day, from Malik Sealy Dirt Mattress.

Congratulations, funny, funny people.

The Unwelcome Lesson of the Week

This man is a schmuck.

His name is Robert Parker Jr. and he is the principle reason why all wine sold in America tastes the same.

Mr. Parker likes soft, palatable red wine that tastes like oak. I also like soft, palatable red wine that tastes like oak, and first among many differences between the two of us is that I am a wine noob. It's safe for me to assume that any red wine Mr. Parker likes I will also like, because though he is a professional wine drinker guy and I am just some guy who likes to drink the occasional glass of wine, we like the same red wine. The problem, of course, is that he's a professional wine drinker guy. A prominent one. The prominent one. Mr. Parker has been applying his simple 100 point system to wine rating for so long it has become the measurement of wine quality. When Mr. Parker says a wine is good, it becomes dogma. This is a problem because many grapes are not supposed to taste long and mellow and oaky. And many winemakers are forced to decide between making a wine with the genuine characteristics of their land and their grape and their methods and the expression of their winemaker, or with the best chance of scoring a 93 on Mr. Parker's 100 point scale. You'd hate to be the guy who made the truest [navigates to Wikipedia] Nebbiolo ever, expressing his terroir (I'm pretty sure that's a small, yappy dog), and with 5% [back to Wikipedia] Cabernet Franc for his own personal touch, and get zapped with an 81 by Mr. Parker. That's a wine that won't sell for shit.

I'm not sure how much of this is Mr. Parker's fault. At some point he thought, "Hey, I like writing about stuff and I like wine, and I'm going to do both." Years later, we've got homogenized reds with no end in sight. I hope somewhere along the way, though, Mr. Parker had at least one cold-sweat sleepless night, one of those My God what have I done? crises that ought to afflict anyone who exerts influence over the creative efforts of dedicated artisans. Because he doesn't air out his I'm-not-worthiness, there are people like me who will call him a schmuck. What's he supposed to do, hang himself? He likes wine, he likes writing about it, people like reading him, people trust his system. Is he a schmuck, after all?


At any rate, look: I'm just a guy. I like jokes, I like thinking about them, I like writing about them, some of you like reading about yourselves them, some of you need immediate psychiatric assistance trust my taste in jokes. That's all fine and good. On the other hand, I sincerely hope I'm not discouraging any of you from stepping way out with your own brand of humor. I sincerely hope you're not shelving a tricky pun in favor of a goofball dialogue joke. I sincerely hope you're not favoring silly over clever (or doing the opposite) because I of all people am influencing your process. I'm just some guy. That would be a fucking crime.

As with all performance art, joke-makers play to their audience. Deadspin works that way, of course, but I don't want to be fucking Genghis Khan sitting on a throne in the back of the auditorium, exerting undue influence over your choices. I'm just one guy in the audience. And so I hereby invite you to strenuously disagree with my Favorites and Duds. If you don't want to publicly dismiss another commenter's work, by all means email me the very moment you think I've included a cheap or easy joke, or if you think I've too heavily favored a particular joke type over others, or if there are any other ways you think I or other commenters suck. I will make a sincere effort to work all such feedback into future posts. This would be best done anonymously, but not in the form of Anonymous or Guy Who comments down below. I will protect your anonymity if you email me directly at And I will try to find a way to address your concerns in full view of whoever reads this blasted thing to begin with.

Have a great weekend, everyone. We're back in action come Monday.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Friday Roundup

Favorites and duds from today's commenting.

Favorites, in no particular order:

Here's a rather random bit of silliness from Raysism in the Daily Screencap post. I made it all the way to "bring a fish friend" before I had the first clue what was going on with this joke. And? I laughed.

Apparently just about any John Madden material is enough to make a joke about Pat Summerall. This joke, from The Amazing Sneijderman in the Daily Screencap post, gets much of its humor from the excellent caricaturization of Madden and Gruden. The Summerall death is just very funny icing. The choice of the phrase "kicks the bucket" is so good.

This is a wonderful dig at Philip Rivers from Same Sad Echo in the Child Labor post. Boy that's good. As with The Amazing Sneijderman's joke above, the snotty-teen act is spot on and very funny, but in this case, the joke ends with a humdinger of a punchline. Terrific.

Here's a great thread in the Redskins for Feds Trade post, featuring Danelorgy, SavetoFavorites, David Hume, BronzeHammer, Same Sad Echo, and others. A handful of winners in there.

Malik Sealy Dirt Mattress dropped today's Comment of the Day in the Redskins for Feds Trade post. And, like clockwork, you've got some thick-skulled ass-hat nominating it for Comment of the Year. This is a great comment - a great comment - and I'm not saying it couldn't be thought of as one of the year's best, what, 20 comments? 25? 30? That makes it a great comment. But lets be real here. In 2012, there were probably no fewer than 150 genuine show-stopper comments. Maybe this is one of them, maybe not. But I am instantly suspicious of anyone who reads a comment today and says it's the year's best today. That's crazy! You've got a catalogue of all the year's best comments in front of you? You, Mr. Anonymous Random Commenter who contributes terrible comments and snarky replies? You? I warned you this shit makes me crazy. This rant will just get worse next time.

Here's a simple, strong one-liner from fatleaveher in the Adam Schefter post. This is a very good joke, and I was glad to see it, because I'm a fan of fatleaveher and he's been all over the place lately. This is the kind of stuff he's capable of contributing. Keep it up!

I really enjoyed this audible from Bring Back Anthony Mason in the Prison! Prison! post. I particularly admire the way the punchline kind of dissolves. You're expecting the action part of this joke to use football language and a game sequence to say something funny about Republicans, but it doesn't, it collapses and reverts to being just a criticism. And that's very funny. It's a joke with a certain neurosis.

Here's a funny look into an awkward personal moment from Rare Endangered Vuvuzela in the Prison! Prison! post. Sex jokes generally do well when they stay on the subtle side. And if I may again go off on a tangent here, I really grind my teeth whenever someone does the whole "you win the internets" thing. What the fuck does that mean? +1 is a nice, quiet way of applauding a joke. Ha! or Yes! or You're the goddamn man may I inhale your mighty manhood?, these replies mean something. You win the interwebsLOL is just obnoxious internet gibberish.

Also, good joke!

SavetoFavorites cracked me up with this completely ridiculous sequence in the Misfit Knicks post. It goes silly early and just gets progressively more absurd. So great. And look at that fucking reply. Jesus. Kudos to SavetoFavorites for taking it easy on that turkey. Later, I also laughed at this somewhat simpler sequence in the Chad Henne post. This has become something of a joke type on Deadspin, the take-a-non-sports-action-and-assign-it-an-undesirable-sports-consequence joke. I'm a big fan.

David Hume earned a huge round of applause for a funny dig at the old Knicks in the Lakers Movie Night post. That's a crowd pleaser. Nice job. And, my God, look at that fucking reply. That's maybe the worst reply since the last time I said something was the worst reply ever. Holy fucking shit. That is some ghastly shit right there.

Here's a great Mike Francesa joke in the . . . um, Mike Francesa post from Gamboa Constrictor. So simple, so smart, so funny. Perfect delivery.

This is just totally ridiculous, from BronzeHammer in the Auburn Tattoo post. BronzeHammer has been doing these intensely awkward personal testimonials lately, and they're very funny. Also, quite the back-and-forth grew out of this and is also worth checking out.

Here's a whopper of a dark joke from Eddie Murray Sparkles in the Lions Calendar post. Hoo-boy. Great reference and great wordplay. And so, so evil.

And finally, here's another dark joke, this time from cobra, brah! in the Ray Lewis post. That's terrific. And lo! Another incredibly terrible reply. Hey, dipshit, nobody cares that you don't get it. In what way does that revelation contribute anything?

Total Fucking Duds

Oh God just go away you fucking moron. Back to Yahoo, yahoo. /nailed it

Dur hur in other news I'm a big fat idiot and some other stuff dur hur. Signed [nobody cares].

This is just an astonishingly terrible joke from some preadolescent shrimp-dicked clown called micfiend1906 in the Awesome Dunk post. Yowza. That joke is too dumb for, too dumb even for YouTube. This joke is somehow less interesting than a "your mama" joke, and that's . . . well it's something.

Great week, everyone! We'll have another week in review deal tomorrow along with another unwelcome sermon on commenting. Have a great weekend, and let's get back at it come Monday.

And now for DUAN!

Thursday Roundup

A few favorite Favorites and . . . yeah, there probably won't be any duds from today's commenting.

Favorites, in no particular order:

I enjoyed this abrupt dialogue/screenplay joke from snoop-a-loop in the Daily Screencap post. It's just a funny way of calling Eric Crouch a loser, and there's nothing wrong with that at all.

So, I'm a little drunk, and even in the best of times I'm a moron, but I love this stuff, from Same Sad Echo in the Alley-Oop post. He's making fun of himself, and he's doing it in as silly a fashion as possible. I laughed aloud at this.

Here's a kick-ass plagiarism joke from Lionel Osbourne in the Lynn Hoppes post. That's a great reference. This is your Comment of the Day.

Also in the Lynn Hoppes post, here's a smart, funny comment from StuartScottsEye. The packaging is successful, but that's a whale of a pull. The reference itself is so good. Great joke.

I laughed at this dig from Eddie Murray Sparkles in the Lynn Hoppes post. We've covered this kind of joke before: it presents a false premise as a way of shoehorning in an appropriate idiom. And it's great.

And here's a funny caption from ClintonPortishead in the Roger Goodell post. Simple and effective.

Here's a hysterical sequence from SavetoFavorites in the Hookers post. If you don't laugh at this, I don't know what to tell you. That's so, so funny.

Also in the Hookers post, this entry from Steve U is a goddamn riot. No knockdown here. This joke shows its cards early on and just layers on the funny. Great stuff.

By far the funniest part of this joke from David Hume in the Hookers post is the notion that Roger Goodell has a "well-documented history" of murdering hookers. Laying it out there as a given is just really fucking funny. Later, David Hume did this in Barry's Pelican Defense post, earning a huge round of applause. That's really a wonderful comment.

That's it! Have a great . . . ah . . . morning! To hell with DUAN!

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Wednesday Roundup

Favorites and duds from Wednesday's commenting. 

Favorites, in no particular order:

Here's a very funny lyric joke from SavetoFavorites in the Daily Screencap post. Look how it circles back at the end. So witty. And there's even something funny about the slash, although I'm not sure I can explain that one. I laughed aloud at this joke.

It's rare that you see a genuine kick-ass "Idiot" joke, but here's one, from RMJ=H in the Mark Sanchez post. This is great. Of course, it's a pretty solid pull, but that alone would not be enough to carry the joke. RMJ=H does a great job hiding the punchline, and the delivery packs the kind of silliness that turns a joke from clever to funny. Awesome work. I'm making this the Comment of the Day. Fight me, burners.

I really enjoyed this goofy caption joke from Raysism in the Bob Costas: Shill post. It's just so, so ridiculous. It's impossible to not laugh at the photo after reading this comment.

This is a sharp wordplay gag from ReverseApeChemist in the Robin Yount post. You know, this joke probably doesn't need the italicized part. It's probably a tighter, more elegant package as just a one-liner. Still, it's a strong reference and the one-liner portion of it is just perfect. Great job.

Here's an outstanding thread in the Jay Wright Rumor post, featuring Mantis Toboggan, M.D., Sgt. Hammerclaw, Raysism, RMJ=H, BronzeHammer, All Over But The Sharting, I Like Cheap Beer, Hit Bull Win Steak, J. Henry Waugh, ScottMitchellReport, and several others. +1s all around.

This burst of originality deserves a mention, from BronzeHammer in the Gay Joey Barton post. It's different and creative and has more than a couple funny lines in there. Good work.

Here's a very good one-liner from a burner called TorredeOro in the 2004 Olympics post. That's quite the haul of +1s. Ditch the burner account and stick around.

And here's another excellent one-liner from a burner, this one called BradJohnsonsHead in the Bret Bielema post. At the risk of sounding like a complete snob, it makes me a little crazy when burners and randos post things like "COTY" and "DHOF" and "Best Deadspin comment EVAR!1!one" I can't offer any solid justification for this feeling. Sometimes, there are jokes that should be nominated as the best of the day or the week or the month, and every once in a blue moon there might be a comment so great, so surpassingly wonderful, that you immediately think of it as THE best comment in memory. This is a very good comment, but it is not remotely a COTY-level comment. It's a strong, funny one-liner, and that's it. That's nothing to be ashamed of. But it seems like every time a comment gets eight or ten +1s, some random goofball will jump in with the whole COTY thing, and . . . I don't know. It makes me crazy.

Total Fucking Duds

No duds tonight. I don't have the energy.

It turns out attempting to be more selective about the Favorites is, itself, a big huge pain in the ass. I saved some time tonight by skipping some great jokes, but without any sort of firm criteria for what makes a Favorite, I'm left to consider things like, "yes, I like this joke, but do I love this joke?" Which is dumb.

Anyway, I left quite a few very good comments out there. It's fair to say this Roundup contains my favorite Favorites from Wednesday. We'll see how long this new approach lasts. The issue, of course, is that Roundups with 20+ Favorites take, seriously, hours to put together. It's pathetic.

Hey, have a great night, everyone.

Too late for DUAN?

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Tuesday Roundup

Favorites and duds from today's commenting.

Favorties, in no particular order:

Here's an extended dig at Eli Manning's intelligence from Erg in the Daily Screencap post. No elaborate set-up, no knockdown punchline, just a really funny internal monologue with one hilarious movement cue. Great job.

SavetoFavorites cracked me up with this plot-twist dialogue joke in the Daily Screencap post. I'm still chuckling about it. Later, he dropped this . . . I don't know what to call this. Just know that I stand in awe of it. Incredible.

Here's a gruesome dialogue joke from Madoffs Mets in the Daily Screencap post. For anyone who doubts the shift we're seeing towards dialogue/screendplay jokes, consider that this is one of four jokes that use some elements of that structure in the Daily Screencap post alone. Later, Madoffs Mets applied the mechanics of a recontextualization to a plain-language delivery in the Purple Sombrero post, earning a handful of +1s. And even later, I chuckled at this silly sequence in the Spitting Cardinals post. And, because why not, here's yet another winner, this one in the Braylon Edwards post. That's a knockout one-liner. Great job.

Here's a silly infographic from Raysism in the Public Funding post. Later, Raysism went with this tight one-liner in the Browns Call-In Show post. Simple, sharp, and effective. And here's a great reference in the Jovan Belcher Gun Collection post. What a pull. Great joke.

Hey, look at this! This is a balls-to-the-wall set-up for a funny enough pun from none other than UweBollocks, in the Browns Call-In Show post. That's damn exciting. Let's keep bringing back the big guns.

I laughed at this recontextualization/comprehension-failure joke from BronzeHammer in the Purple Sombrero post. That's a nice, intuitive delivery. Good shit. Also, here's a disturbing day-in-the-life joke in the Spitting Cardinals post. That's hilarious.

And here's a great little pun from Eddie Murray Sparkles in the Purple Sombrero post. Jesus, take a look at the comments in that post. That's a who's who of great commenters. It goes twelve jokes deep from starred commenters before you get to your first burner comment. That's how it ought to be. This is how shitty burners and [what we used to call] pink commenters will learn what we do.

This is a great thread, in the Israeli Basketball Suspension post. It features IronMikeGallegoEddie Murray SparklesBronzeHammerNatrone Means BusinessDinoRadjaBell, and others. There are at least three flat-out perfect entries in this thread.

Bevraj of Choice contributed this terrific pull in the Mark Sanchez post, earning a round of applause. That's such a smart joke. This isn't the kind of comment you could just recite in a room full of people or read aloud to someone in your office, unless you happen to know a lot of people who've committed Braylon Edwards's jersey number to memory. It makes use of the photo as a reference point, which saves Bevraj of Choice from having to incorporate a lot of clumsy information in his set-up.

Here's Steve U with a killer one-liner in the Mark Sanchez post. This is your Comment of the Day. It's just a perfect, perfect joke. Later, Steve U went silly with this lyric joke in the Flashing, Molesting Georgia Fan post. So funny. There's a hysterical reply in there from SavetoFavorites, too.

I love this kind of comment, seen here from Mantis Toboggan, M.D. in the Mashed Potatoes post. This is just an opportunity to put some funny words and ideas together, with the punchline pointed inward. This is an actual joke-type on Deadspin, and there are a few guys who break it out from time to time. I think of them as the silly crowd. Anyway, here's a +1.

Gamboa Constrictor gave this one-liner a conversational delivery in the Flashing, Molesting Georgia Fan post, earning a huge round of applause. It's just a quick, uncomplicated idea with an appropriate delivery. Nice job. Later, I laughed at this dig in the Rodman Tattoo post.

For whatever reason, I laughed aloud at this goofy one-liner from TheCarlosRuizSpanishEnglishDictionary in the Flashing, Molesting Georgia Fan post. He was pretty close on a few other comments today, but this one drew an honest laugh. Here's a +1.

Here's something simple and stupid and funny from Same Sad Echo in the Spitting Cardinals post. What the hell. It yanked the laugh right out of me.

And here's a funny sequence from, of all things, a burner called TotalFuckingHomer in the Spitting Cardinals post. Great job. Now ditch the burner account, get a real avatar, and start commenting like you mean it.

ReverseApeChemist got in on the act with this grim one-liner in the Braylon Edwards post. Yowza. I'm surprised there weren't any too-sooners attacking this joke. I certainly enjoyed it.

This shot at Wisconsinites from Bring Back Anthony Mason in the Bret Bielema post is good for a laugh. This joke has that evil, delicious element of picking on a target in no position to defend itself. Poverty jokes about North Korea, fat jokes about Wisconsin, short jokes about David Stern . . . it's funnier to pick on the vulnerable. I can't explain it.

Here's a smart, patient dig from Sponsored by V8 in the Christian Ponder post. This is really great. The presentation is subtle enough that you don't necessarily notice you're being set-up for a punchline.

And finally, what the hell, I chuckled at this one-liner from The Bunnyman in the Christian Ponder post. It's a sharp dig and it's built the right way. Nice job.

Total Fucking Duds

This is just trolling. God I miss the ninjas and the approval system.

And this is beneath terrible, from some total jackass called DannyAnarchy. I hate this crap.

Oh for Christ's sake.

Okay, so, obviously this is getting ridiculous. That's 28 Favorites from 18 different commenters and a thread. There's no way I can keep up at that rate. I'm going to have to raise the bar somewhat going forward. This Roundup took me a really, really long time. I do need to spend at least some of my day doing, you know, something other that writing a roundup of internet comments. I mean, I skipped a lot of good comments today.

Here's to a fun, active DUAN.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Monday Roundup

Favorites and maybe, maybe a dud or two from today's commenting.

Favorites, in no particular order:

Holy shit this is a great comment, from SavetoFavorites in the Daily Screencap post. It's interesting that the picture adds to the joke - the comment could just as easily be made by just attributing the speech to Clint Eastwood, or even just not attributing the speech and relying upon our ability to recognize it. But the picture of ol' Clint is, well, funnier. I'm making this the Comment of the Day. Later, in the Buttfumble Jersey post, SavetoFavorites utilized a different structure for the old description-switcheroo joke. That's great.

Here's a funny shot at Jim Schwartz from Madoffs Mets in the Daily Screencap post. Madoffs Mets is an excellent commenter. I have no idea who he is nor how long he's been around nor what other handles he may have previously used, but he seemed to distinguish himself during the very rough just-before-Powwow-through-version-after-version-of-Kinja period. Very impressive. From the very depths of darkness, you might say.

So many awesome comments today. Check out this humdinger from our guy Same Sad Echo in he Buttfumble Jersey post. Man is that great. No set-up/knockdown action here, just a great idea packaged in plain language.

Here's a goofball lyric joke from IronMikeGallego in the Buttfumble Jersey. Yes, it's on the "Idiot" spectrum, but you don't have to be familiar with the author's work to appreciate the solid pull and creativity. It would be funny whoever posted it.

Here's a characteristically sharp dig from Bevraj of Choice in the Buttfumble Jersey post. Bevraj of Choice is part of that small group of commenters with a genuine talent for tight wordplay jokes. Everyone pulls one from time to time, but there aren't many who can do it again and again. Later, he offered this zig-zagging fat joke in the Obese Fan post. Awesome. And even later, here's a kick-ass reference in the 21,000 Teddy Bears post. Look at that fucking reply, for Christ's sake.

This is a funny, imaginative offering from Talib's Rap Sheet in the Buttfumble Jersey post. This joke has a great finish. Everything after the word "Buttfumble" in this comment is just terrific.

Here's a killer one-liner from cobra, brah! in the Obese Fan post. More than anything, that's a really terrific pull. Great job.

Also in the Obese Fan post, I laughed at this comment from Universal Enveloping Algebra. It's just so ridiculous. I'm still chuckling about it. Also, here's a great effort in the Peter King Haiku post.

Here's a fantastic diabetes pun from Steve U, also in the Obese Fan post. So good. It's a pun positioned as a misunderstanding. Also, here's a joke for readers of a certain age in the Fridge and Coffeemaker post. I laughed. And later, he dropped this winner in the Peter King Haiku post.

I also enjoyed this italicized offering from The Amazing Sneijderman in the Obese Fan post. It's a very strange joke, but the odd David Lynch-like nature of it is what cracks me up. Also, here's a funny dialogue joke in the Mike Tyson post. Good shit.

This is a hysterical fat joke, from Raysism in the Obese Fan post. I suppose we should all feel ashamed that we break out our best stuff at the expense of fat and/or short and/or poor and/or dead people. Ah well. Also, here's Raysism's best effort in the Peter King Haiku post.

This is hilarious, from BronzeHammer in the 21,000 Teddy Bears post. Sometimes good jokes go unnoticed. Sometimes they don't resonate quite the way we hope. Sometimes you die laughing while writing up a joke and then you get two +1s from a couple of burners. This can be especially excruciating when it's a long shoot-the-moon kind of joke, but don't let that discourage you! It's always a bigger chance to write three paragraphs of silliness than it is to pump out a one-liner. Keep 'em coming. Later, BronzeHammer dropped this sizzling one-word comment in the Dead Ref post, earning a haul of +1s. Nice.

Danelorgy is back with this funny Hideki Matsui joke in the A-Rod Surgery post. Simple, breezy humor. Good joke.

So, All Over But The Sharting sort of slayed the Peter King Haiku thread. Here are three - one, two, three winners from that post. That first one is fucking deadly.

Here's an excellent sequence from RMJ=H in the Mike Tyson post. It's another silly, creative dialogue joke. These just keep getting better and better.

Here's a funny thread with many commenters in the Charlie Batch post. Enjoy!

Bring Back Anthony Mason cracked me up with this Bobby Fischer joke in the ESPN Twitter Predictions post. Random and hilarious.

Total Fucking Duds


Also, my God, someone throw this TRT-X guy down a well. I really can't stand him. I know the days of be funny are long gone, but for crying out loud.

That's it! Good night.


Saturday, December 1, 2012

The Week in Review and Stuff

Let's start with some awards, shall we? Why the fuck not? If all you care about is which commenters are awesome, awesomer, and awesomest, digest the following and have a lovely weekend. We're going to try to pump these out from now on, one per weekend:

Last Week's Swinging Dicks

In Third Place, winner of the mostly-empty can of Spot Shot I used to clean dog puke out of my rug: Same Sad Echo, with 5 Favorites in the last five days.

Here's my favorite Same Sad Echo joke from last week. It's just a perfect "Idiot" joke.

In a tie for Second Place, and co-winners of a collection of ancient Better Homes and Gardens magazines I discovered under my coffee table while cleaning dog puke out of my rug: RMJ=H and Madoffs Mets, with 6 Favorites each in the last five days.

This is my favorite RMJ=H joke from last week. This is a very simple idea, executed beautifully.

And here's my favorite Madoffs Mets joke from last week. That's a wonderfully sharp one-liner.

And in a tie for First Place, proud co-winners of the actual dog puke contained in a carefully maintained handful of paper towels: Raysism and SavetoFavorites, with 7 Favorites each in the last five days

This is my favorite Raysism joke from last week. It's not an "Idiot" joke because it effectively shifts the stupidity where it will have the greatest impact.

Here's my favorite SavetoFavorites joke from last week. Not one single +1! Not one! Unbelievable.

Also, these!

Here's your Monday Comment of the Day, from IronMikeGallego.

Here's your Tuesday Comment of the Day, from Rare Endangered Vuvuzela.

Here's your Wednesday Comment of the Day, from Eddie Murray Sparkles.

Here's your Thursday Comment of the Day, from Madoffs Mets.

And here's your Friday Comment of the Day, from All Over But The Sharting.

Congratulations, all you funny sons of bitches. Keep it coming.

The Unwelcome Lesson of the Week

So, it's 1926. Babe Ruth promises sick little Johnny Sylvester a homerun in Game 4 of the World Series. Johnny, stirred to action, summons the energy to attend the game, snagging a seat in the bleachers in center. The Babe steps to the plate and crushes one high and deep. The crowd rises, little Johnny among them, as the ball soars beyond the outfield wall. The Babe is nearing first as the ball finishes its descent into the stands, crashes into Johnny's forehead, knocks his eyes out, and kills him dead as can be.

That's a joke, and a terrible one. But let's pretend it's not so terrible. Let's pretend it was made by one of the funny commenters listed above.

The sequence above never actually took place. The Babe signed a ball and sent it to Johnny with a message that he'd hit him a homerun on Wednesday. The Babe did, in fact, hit a homerun in Game 4 of the 1926 World Series. Johnny Sylvester was lying in a hospital bed when it happened. Happily, no eyeballs were splayed.

The awful joke above is presented to you as an example of irony. One definition of irony is this: incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result. I like this definition because boy does it sound a lot like Kant's explanation that laughter arises "when a tense expectation is transformed into nothing". I like to think of jokes and humor along these lines: jokes are mechanical, they are an instrument, they have components, and those components have functions. The job of a joke is to produce laughter. Laughter is also mechanical, it happens when tension is created and then suddenly relieved. We don't laugh because we make an intellectual evaluation of the merits of a joke, we laugh because the joke drags it out of us. Mechanical.

Irony and tragedy are not mutually exclusive. One does not preclude the other. Romeo and Juliet is the simplest example: this play turns on irony, irony is its device. And it is a tragedy. Romeo tragically offs himself in one of the great moments of irony (and dramatic irony) in literary history.

In our stupid joke above, a boy dies horribly, and it is ironic. Had the joke been made by a better joker, it would also be funny. Death and irony and funny, all in the same ridiculous sequence.

Tragedy to humor by way of irony. Only a couple of very short leaps from one to the other. The similar mechanics of irony and humor give humor an avenue to tragedy.

And even if that weren't the case, hey, we all process things differently, from different distances to the event, with our own unique emotional makeup, and at our own pace. Even if we all agree that death is sad (we probably do, now that Hatey McLife has left our midst), we will not all process that sadness the same way. It is not for me to tell you that you are too sad about x horrible event, nor is it for you to tell me that I am not sad enough about it. Right?

I'll let you smart, funny people apply that as you will to today's awful news about Jovan Belcher and the shit-storm that arose when a few great commenters made excellent jokes too near that news. I happen to think there's no such thing as "too soon". I think the very notion of "too soon" implies that there's some kind of agreed-upon black-out period on death jokes, which is absurd and wrong. And I think we'd all agree that anyone who says we can never make jokes about tragedies or deaths is wrong and insane. And I think a person who takes what ought to be a personal desire to avoid jokes about a recently deceased person and imposes it on a bunch of other people is a sanctimonious fascist.

So, hey, cut that out!

Hey, thanks for reading. Enjoy your football tomorrow. Let's get back to pointing and laughing at the recently deceased on Monday.