Monday, April 18, 2011

Monday Roundup

Some favorites and a few duds from Monday's commenting. I am in a horribly bad mood. It has almost become funny.

, in no particular order:

Unstarred commenter Noir Juggling caused my lips to curl into a cruel, mirthless simper with this foul crack at Richard Simmons in the Wake Up Deadspin post. For his effort, his comment was promoted, but he'll still probably die alone someday.

Also in the Wake Up Deadspin post, Gamboa Constrictor called Sean Avery an asshole in a way that is funny. Does he return my calls? NO. He probably doesn't even know I exist.

Person-who-seems-happy-despite-being-alive All Over But The Sharting used a clever choice of words to take a shot at Ja Rule, also in the Wake Up Deadspin post. Congratulations.

Infrequent commenter MattinglysSideburns had a nice laugh at the expense of everything decent with this timely reference to Princess Diana, also from the Wake Up Deadspin post.

Same Sad Echo's refreshingly silly middle-school joke in the Jon Barry/Derrick Rose post was good for a refreshingly less-devastating sob, followed by an afternoon's worth of the regular soul-darkening kind.

And finally, Hatey [my] McLife's outrageously unpleasant one-liner in the Fishing post was one of the best jokes of the day.

Total Fucking Duds

Continuing to live
belongs on this list, permanently.

One dud today, from some guy named juanvaldez13. There's no lesson in today's selection; this comment is totally fucking terrible. The worst thing to ever happen to Deadspin commenting is The Simpsons. Without The Simpsons, half-brained, witless, fat-fingered, tone-deaf dill-holes like juanvaldez13 would foresake humor and go back to playing with cat turds and walking into glass doors. (I reserve the right to edit that last sentence to something along the lines of "smart, funny, successful, good-looking go-getters like juanvaldez13 will continue to astonish us with complex, eclectic, sharply-constructed, brilliantly-timed zingers ad infinitum" the very moment I feel bad about being a jerk.)

Okay, one more: EsotericPopCulturePun (whose snarky name makes me want to twist my own head off and punt it into a river of boiling sulfuric acid) got stomped out by the comment_ninja and Tulos_Mullet (among others) for a piece-of-shit contribution to the second MLB Reenactment post. Look, I'm for the public flogging; I'm even more for a public banning. Clearly, this guy has absolutely no business whatsoever commenting on Deadspin. Worthless comment, bad grammar, bad spelling, bad punctuation, not funny, not clever. And the use of the word "really" as a question that implies incredulity is a trend that makes me wish a giant fucking asteroid would hurry up and hit the fucking planet already. Seriously, what better opportunity to whip out the goddamn sad trombone? This guy's commenting history is the sad trombone, played in slow-motion over the sound of a train-wreck.

Serenity now. Happy DUANing.

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