Saturday, January 19, 2013

The Week in Review, But That's Not All

Boys, step forward to claim your prizes.

Last Week's Swinging Dicks

In a tie for 3rd place, co-winners of a real, live donkey (every other week and alternating weekends): Same Sad Echo and Raysism, with 4 favorites each.

I'm in agreement with Shitehawk. This, from Same Sad Echo, is maybe the funniest reply ever and so is definitely his best comment of the week. "Bookmark that shit," is an incredible payoff.

And this, from Friday, is my favorite Raysism comment from the past five days. Absurd.

In 2nd place, the sole winner of a shovel and a brown paper bag and the address where I'm dropping off the donkey: Bevraj of Choice, with 5 favorites.

This is his finest effort of the week, I think. What a gross gag. Funny, too.

Finally, in 1st place, the winner of whatever fits in the brown paper bag after I take a knife and scrape/flatten off the top: DougExeter, with 6 Favorites this week. Wow, DougExeter taking the comment section by storm! Kudos.

This is my favorite DougExeter comment from the week. In general, I like an unconventional joke so much more. And that one works. Great job.

I hope you guys have a rip-roaring good time with that donkey. You've earned it.

Let's not forget!

The Monday Comment of the Day, from Bring Back Anthony Mason.

The Tuesday Comment of the Day, from Same Sad Echo.

The Wednesday Comment of the Day, from RMJ=H.

The Thursday Comment of the Day, from RMJ=H.

The Friday Comment of the Day, from Steve U.

The Unwelcome Lesson of the Week

Have you ever had a couple of drinks on a night when your old lady decided to stay sober? Sometimes that happens around here. How'd you like it? Me, I like it just fine most times. But see if this sounds familiar.

First couple rounds, you might as well be drinking iced tea. Nothing new. You're just bored and no longer thirsty. No problems.

Second batch, things are getting good. Whatever you're watching on TV is better, unless it's sports, in which case it's appreciably worse but you don't care. The wife is giving you sideways glances, and it's up to you whether or not you keep going. You keep going.

Next time around, you're getting a little sauced and very conversational. The discussion drifts, and you realize you're being set up for a good joke. Sure, it's at your wife's expense, or it's about an attractive woman, or something you're aware will be equally unpopular. But you're a funny guy -- go look at MadBastardsAll! You were on there 3 times this week! You can definitely pull it off. No. No, you can't. You're starting to fear that you can't actually pull it off, because you're fucking drunk. You can see where this is going, but your mouth is already fucking open. You'd be cringing in anticipation if your reflexes weren't so goddamn slow. The joke earwigged its way into your head, and by god it was coming out. So it did.

Well, that's what I think this idea for The Unwelcome Lesson of the Week is like. I'll explain.

Deadspin Commenter Shit List

An excoriation of Deadspin's most consistently useless and intentionally awful commenters. Total Fuckin' Duds with less encouragement.

Nobody with the sense and good fortune to navigate to this webpage should expect to find his name on the DCSL. It's a dark and squalid place, full of fear and regret, but it's not for us, though we are its keepers. It's for the men who screech and claw to escape their fate, which is to be eternally "below the fold", in the Kinja dungeon, loathed if not forgotten. They want attention, and so giving it to them while bemoaning their presence might seem counterintuitive. But this won't be attention; it will be vigilance. These commenters are here for a reason: to notify you that their presence is to be ignored at all times, and that screaming "Boooooooo!" at your laptop should suffice as your only interactions with them. Ready the tomatoes.

joe675 - A contemptible troll whose post count over the last 72 hours would make even the most obsessive commenters' eyes roll back in their heads. Upon first glance (and a dozen others, of necessity), joe's sole objective appears to be to gain employment at whichever PR firm is foolish enough to next undertake a defense of Manti T'eo. One's natural assumption, especially when stumbling upon his activity in a USC thread weeks ago, is that he's a T'eo relative (or ND psychopathic obsessive) who also happened to be an on/of Deadspin reader. But look further. There are comments ranging from Anne Hathaway threads to disgusting pseudo-liberal Randian tirades to Pok√©mon hating (???). One of the greatest threats facing the comment section today.

FuckFuck - This person, "Aaron Rupar" perhaps, is a shill for a blog. Mostly blogs written by Aaron Rupar. Blogs are the absolute lowest form of the written word, and should never be tolerated under any circumstances.

LOUD-NOISES - Anyone who posts things like this or this or [deep breath] this was not ever funny, under this name or any other. The idea that someone familiar with Deadspin and its commenting would actively try to undermine it, and with such little creativity or success, is not a credit to our fraternity. The fact that nothing can ever be done to obscure or discourage the obnoxious, destructive nonsense this person is determined to pollute our comment section with is, however, a credit to Nick Denton. A hearty "Fuck off" to both fine gentlemen.

texasgunowner - A commenter for whom much beyond "This is his name" perhaps need not be said. Reading his comments and linking them here, for you, is akin to (and as enjoyable as) handing a megaphone to Big Fucking Idiot Jones and taking notes. He is pedantic, banal, and distressingly misinformed. That was in the last 48 hours, folks. I don't know whether his account was newly minted circa Sandy Hook because I threw my computer down a deep hole after reading his comments and can do no more research. He is execrable. I doubt it, Big Tex.

superpooperfart - As you could probably guess, superpooperfart was the inspiration for this list. Congratulations, superpooperfart, you've managed to engage the ignorant tourists wandering through Deadspin for the first and last time. You've proved no point about Kinja or Deadspin or anything else, except how much time you'll devote to making sure you capitalized all the letters in every possible epithet. The crudeness of the work is blatant, but the trite unoriginality is the real offense. Get the fuck out, superpooperfart.

Fittingly, superpooperfart and joe675 have actually crossed paths, which is very upsetting.

This was horrible to write, and I'm sure it was worse to read. I'm never doing Duds again.

DUAN is looking besieged. Enjoy your weekend, folks.