Guest Lectures in Commenting: Polk Panther

[Editor's Note: Deadspin visual-joke dynamo Polk Panther stopped by to lend his perspective on a topic of significant importance to Mad Bastards All: visual jokes. This is the guy who authored the now famous Jim Tressel Walmart photo and who's had more fun with UweBollocks's face than all the missing-and-presumed-dead prostitutes in the western hemisphere. He's mastered the format, and this was a major coup for the blog.

As mentioned previously, should any other Deadspinners wish to contribute to this blog's mission of commenting on Deadspin commenting, direct your (articulate, thoughtful, well-developed, spell-checked) missives to madbastardsall@gmail.com]

I'm not so much funny with my words. I got a +1 from Steve_U once, but I think he just mistook my avatar for IronMikeGallego's.

What I'm trying to say is, I know dick about funny commenting, so you may as well stop reading now.

But, when words fail me, in order to bask in the appreciative glow of The Commentariat, I turn to the visual medium. Yes, I'm the guy who pastes giant cocks onto pictures in Photoshop.

Using pictures in comments is dicey business. You have the opportunity to hit a touchdown or absolutely faceplant, and there doesn't seem to be much middle ground. There is nothing as brutal as seeing an unfunny and unoriginal photo-based comment; on the flipside, the effort and thought put into a well-done original piece can lead to a memorable comment and +1s all around.

There are two kinds of photo posts. First is using an image made by someone else, which can be risky. Second, you can go original and take the time to make something funny yourself in Photoshop, Paint, iLife, etc. I want to talk about why the first frequently fails (but also how it can be redeemed), and then why the second works and why I'd love to see more people doing it.

Photo-Jokes

Allow me to illustrate the former first. Since this is Mad Bastards All, let me present some total fucking duds:

- This one from Slanket in the Facekicker 2: The Kickening post. Really? It's before lunch; nobody needs to see a deformed bloody face, next to an uninspired comment that adds nothing and simply rehashes the tired "soccer players are pussies" meme.

- Or this one from disturbingly-named MaxErnstMankini in the Kareem Statue post. He apparently put "Abdul-Jabbar ninja" into Google Image Search, posted the first thing that came up, and then wrote an italics-laden clunker of a caption.

- Anything by SirTruthington.

And then there are the exceptions to the rule:

- Like this one from JohnnyGentle in the Dan Gilbert Radio Interview post. He balanced the comment and the image beautifully, working in the math joke from the article to perfection.

- Or how about this one in the Gay Superstar post by Steve_U, who, incidentally, I am totally gay for now if he's going keep making astronomy jokes.

What did we learn from those four? The first two tried too hard to use the photo for the sake of using a photo. The bloody head guy thing shouldn't be there to begin with because it's gross and rehashes a tired meme; the comment doesn't pull the photo out of the deep end. The Kareem photo could've been useful, but fell flat because it wasn't supported by a good comment. Conversely, the second two worked because they found a beautiful harmony between photo and comment. Both were humorously referential to the article and made you think before you laughed.

So bottom line on using other people's images: Be careful. Think it out. Make sure it's funny.

Photoshops

Now then. The good stuff.

Philosophically, the rules for being successful with an original Photoshop work are largely the same as in regular commenting, namely:

1. Be funny.

2. Be original.

3. Be creative.

These are all obvious rules. But, notice there was no "be talented" or "be technically perfect" or "use Photoshop" rule, because plenty of guys out there make incredibly funny stuff with nothing more than Microsoft Paint or iLife or whatever socialist open-source nonsense Linux uses. For example: a few weeks back Craggs' series on MLB pulling video highlights forced him to re-enact scenes using Paint. While not a comment of course, this is a style that is hilarious and requires no software investment.

Sheed's Bald Spot has also used this style. (Editor's note: My God, that's hysterical.)

So disregarding the technical aspect of things (if you really want to learn Photoshop, get on YouTube and watch the tutorials), let's talk about the mental process.

1. Get inspired. You have to have good source material. You have to look at photos and immediately start thinking of the terrible, terrible things you can do to them. When I see something like this photo of Colin Cowherd, I immediately want to start splicing photos of large zucchinis into his hand. When feeling particularly inspired (or in a contest setting), I'll actually write down the ideas and knock them out in order. To execute, I treat making the composition kind of like getting dressed in the morning - the original photo is my shirt, but I need some pants and shoes and a tie that will go with it. So you think what you need, go out on Google Image search to find the "accessories," and go from there.

2. Know why what you're doing is funny. I don't follow college football terribly closely; when that set of Jim Tressel photos dropped, I saw the potential but didn't really know a ton about him. Spend a minute, do a little research, figure out what you can do. He coached a now-convicted felon? Boom, Maurice Clarett image.

3. Really analyze the photos - are they making a gesture that you can exploit? Are they positioned in a way you can exploit? Are they easily separable from the background? All these things can make for great compositions. Murray Hewitt's second-place effort in the Whitlock contest illustrates perfectly how thinking about these things can lead to something big:

4. Think outside the box. It's one thing to take the original picture and change the background or paste something into their hands. Good effort, funny stuff, and all that. But in my opinion, the truly great ones flip the script. Take this example from see you suckers later in the Whitlock Photoshop contest: that might be my all-time favorite Deadspin image - technically well done, but also a phenomenal concept that is so out of left field, you can't help but laugh. Be crazy with it.

5. Let the picture do the talking. Memebase-style words and sayings aren't funny. Just don't.

6. Finally, when in doubt, put UweBollocks's face on something. It just never stops being funny.

Happy Photoshopping you magnificent bastards!

Guest Lectures in Commenting: dont-forget-where-you-came-from-cheese-mac

[Editor's Note: Deadspin titan dont-forget-where-you-came-from-cheese-mac graciously stopped by to offer insight into his approach to commenting, as well as a glimpse into the sizzurp-haunted nightmare of his personal life. Let's all give him a hand.

As mentioned previously, should any other Deadspinners wish to contribute to this blog's mission of commenting on Deadspin commenting, direct your (articulate, thoughtful, well-developed, spell-checked) missives to madbastardsall@gmail.com]

My commenting philosophy:

Desperately seeking the +1. That's it. Despite the fact that this all boils down to a giant diversion for us, it's nice to get that e-slap on the back. It's like an alcoholic needing a fix. I'm sure you've all done this: You craft an absolute giant of a comment, hit submit and then wait. And then maniacally hit refresh waiting for the +1s to roll in. There's no better feeling when they do, and no worse feeling when they don't.

That should always be the goal. Sure, you may still get a buzz from downing some Nyquil, but that's not your first choice. It may be easier to get your hands on, but it's cheap. It's not the same as taking a swig of the real top-shelf shit. Which, while more expensive and harder to come by, is much, much more rewarding. Commenting should be no different. The shitty comments are always there and they are cheap. You get the high from having your "name" out there, not from putting in the effort of drawing up the perfect comment and swimming in a vault of +1's.

It's tough to differentiate the taste sometimes, though. So you should always take a pause and ponder: "Would I give this a +1?" "Do I think [commenter I respect] would give this a +1?" or, "Would [commenter I respect] put his/her name on this comment?" These, in some form or another, are all questions that I try to ask myself all the time.

Now, obviously I fall victim to lure of the cheap high. We all do. It happens. Like this pile of shit. Memes are kind of a tricky subject. The problem with memes is that they are just a formula and the formula often gets mistaken for the joke. A formula, however, is not good enough to be funny. There still has to be a joke. Reliance on the crutch of a meme for a comment is like a skeleton with no muscle. Worthless. And dead, probably. For me, the Emmitt Smith meme can still be funny and I get a huge kick out of it, if done properly. This one, however, was rushed. I could have made it so much better, but I just wanted to get something up there. That is, always, the worst thing you can do. I was trying to call to mind the Whitlock passed out on a coach picture, while also not being so heavy handed as to include the actual picture. My indecision and haste to get something up resulted in a huge miss. That thread, as a whole actually, was a disaster for me.

I'm not sure if it was that I hadn't commented in a while and needed a quick fix or what, but I failed to go through the +1 checklist before hitting submit on both of those comments. So, I got the initial high of getting my comment out, but then the huuuuge crash when I realized how terrible it was.

That's the other thing. While you should be proud of a real humdinger of a comment, you should be absolutely embarrassed by a terrible one. Don't just shrug your shoulders and say, "Oh well, get 'em next time, champ!" No. That's not how it works. I had to read that piece of garbage comment you just threw out there without a second thought. You wasted my time. Worse still, you may have prevented me from catching a really well thought out, hilarious comment because I was too busy staring at the flaming wreck of a comment you left.

You should feel apologetic about that. You should vow to never let it happen again. You should feel responsible. Your selfish need for a quick fix is taking away from someone who is making an effort to really create something. Even if your bullshit doesn't prevent good comments from being seen, its mere existence disrespects the effort put into all the others.

It's easy to say that these are just comments on a sports website. I think we all know that's a line of bullshit, though. It's something we take seriously enough to keep doing everyday and something for which we give each other virtual high-fives. So, make an effort. That's really what it all comes down to. Don't settle for the cheap thrill. Always, always look for the +1. There is no better feeling.